This is an office position.
You must be able to lift thirty pounds.
You must enjoy a dynamic, ever-changing work environment.
You must have good communication skills, both written and verbal.
You must not get easily flustered.
You must be bilingual.
You must be okay with small dogs because there will be four in the office at all times.
You must be okay with one or all of the small dogs taking up residence on your keyboard.
You must be able to keep typing with small dogs on your keyboard.
You will be walking the dogs daily.
This is a part-time position initially (twenty hours a week, no benefits), but it has the potential, somewhere down the road, to turn into a full-time position.
You must tell us how this position fits into your five-year plan.
You must have a Bachelor’s degree and three-plus years of experience as an assistant to upper-level executives.
You must be adept at using Quickbooks, InDesign, Photoshop, the full Microsoft Office Suite, and have extensive (five-plus years) experience with AP/AR.
You must make a killer cup of coffee and be a dishwashing, vacuuming, dusting, and fax-fetching wizard.
You must know how to work a multi-line phone system.
You should also know how to make a mean BLT.
This position pays ten dollars an hour (no paid vacations, and have we mentioned, no benefits?).
You must live in a box on Burnside and regularly wash your hair in the Willamette.
You must have a professional appearance.
You must be willing to pick up the CEO’s dry cleaning, wax his car, and schlep his brats to tennis lessons, piano recitals, and their fancy prep school.
You must be willing to answer to, “Hey, you.”
You must be good at keeping your mouth shut.
The office is located adjacent to the railroad tracks and is directly above a warehouse that manufactures equipment for smashing rocks.
You must be okay with loud noises.
You must also be okay with fluctuating temperatures, as the resident sprite (we call him Mervin) has been known to adjust the thermostat willy-nilly.
You must be okay sharing your cubicle with a sprite.
You must be able to keep working quickly and efficiently during sprite mating season, as Mervin tends to emit sharp trills and shrieks when calling to his lady-love, Belinda. He has also been known to throw feces.
You must be okay with walls decorated in feces.
This job will provide great experience and growth potential to the right candidate.
You must meet all of the requirements listed above to be considered.
You must care about everything discussed in this ad.
You must not call us. If we’re interested in an interview, we’ll call you.
We regret that we cannot respond to every application, but this is a highly sought-after position.
If you do not hear from us in three months, we’ve likely hired someone else.
If we call you in for an interview, you must prepare a short dramatic monologue, in French, to be performed for the board members upon your arrival.
All applicants will be subjected to criminal background checks and drug testing.